Your Mother's Turkey Baster
by RyosukeofDark
Summary: After an exciting train ride to a distant country, will Kanda be able to tame his raging teen hormones? Will Allen and Lavi die? Will Lenalee's nail polish continue to chip! Yaoi drabble. Working out pairings. Rated for language and later chapters. :D
1. Train Ride

"Tch."

"WHAT?!"

"Tch."

"What did I do?!"

"Tch."

"Make that sound again and I swear on your mom's turkey baster, I'll come over there and hit you straight in your penis," the red headed teen scoffed as he folded his arms and hunched over his knees in his seat.

"Tch, you can't hit someone _in_ their penis. Retard." The reply was shot from the mouth of the ebony haired Japanese teen sitting across from the red head in the tiny cabin of the train.

"Well I can try!!" came the muffled cry from the red head.

"LAVI! KANDA! SHUT UP!" the Chinese girl that had endured the bickering for long enough.

"Oh, but Lenaleeeeeee.......Kanda's being a meanie!" Lavi fussed.

"And you're being an annoying prick who's about to be chucked out of the window," Kanda managed to grumble out angrily before he turned to look out of the window beside him.

The fourth member of the party chuckled quietly to himself in his seat beside Lavi.

"Watch it Moyashi, or you'll be following the prick out of window."

The silver haired teen fought with his face to quiet the smile that was playing across his lips.

The four Order members found themselves being shipped off on another long ass ride to another distant ass country for _**another**_weird ass mission. The previous morning they had been informed of this weird ass mission by the oh-so-lovely-in-the-morning-with-his-fucking-coffee Komui. He had told the four, in the brightest, most lovely (queer), manner, that they'd be off the following afternoon to some distant country for a so called "_**very important miiiiissssssiooooon**_". After that, the four had been forced onto an Order train where Kanda and Lavi had been bickering in their ever-so-small cabin ever since.

"So Lenalee, what are the objectives for this mission?" Allen questioned the Chinese girl sitting in front of him.

"Well..." she stated quietly while getting the file out from her bag. She opened the beige colored folder and began to read:

_Mission: Search For/ Retrieve Innocence_

_Location: Remote village outside Russia_

_Specifics: Claims of strange happenings in said village and in the rural areas around call for investigation. _

_Possibility of Innocence, so get your scrawny tweeny bopper asses over there and get it. Naow._

_~Komui._

"Wow, he sure does love us," Lavi stated as he slowly rose out of his seat. "I'm hungry guys, I'm going to go get something to eeeeaaat. Allen, come with me. I need an eating and pee buddy."

"Pee buddy?" came the horrified response from the small boy.

"Yeh, you can come in the bathroom with me while I pee and watch and make sure no big burly man comes to try and rape me," said Lavi innocently while batting his good eye's eyelashes.

With a slightly disgusted look, Allen agreed and got up as well. He slid open the door to the cabin and walked out in front of Lavi. Lenalee took Lavi's seat as he was leaving and happened to catch a glance at Kanda, who's eyes seemed to be in a place they really shouldn't looking. She waited until Lavi and Allen were out of earshot and confronted the pony tailed badass.

"Did you just look at Lavi's ass?!" Lenalee demanded crossly.

"What?"

"You heard me. Did. You. Just. Look. At. Lavi's. Ass?"

An almost visible bomb was fired from Kanda's eyes towards Lenalee's forehead.

"Jesus, calm down," said Lenalee with a smile.

"What the fuck is so funny?" demanded a beet faced Kanda.

"Your _**fucking **_face," replied Lenalee with another grin. She then turned her attention to her chipping nail polish. It was devastating how fast her nail polish chipped nowadays.

Kanda sat there with his face burning a deep shade of red.

"_How the fuck did she catch that? Damn. Is it that obvious....I'll have to tone it down......Perhaps....Yes. Definitely. No one will know. MY WILL IS AS STRONG AS........uh....well......SOMETHING FUCKING ENORMOUS! ENORMOUS LIKE A TREE! OR AN OX! OR A FREAKING TIGER! ALL OF WHICH HAVE IMPENETRABLE ARMOUR AND LIKE.....FORCE FIELDS! AND SOME HARPOONS! WITH FLAMING FIREBALLS OF FEROCITY! Yeah. That's it."_

He let his eyes drift from the scowl he had been casting at Lenalee back to the flashing scenery outside the train.

"Lavi... Why do you need a pee buddy? I mean, what the hell is a pee buddy?" The cursed boy asked the slightly taller teen.

"Well, haven't you ever seen the way women do it? They always go to the bathroom together. I think they do it to plot the downfall of men and spread the message of feminine supremacy on the bathroom walls.... So, I think men need to start having pee buddies so we can get the jump on the females when they finally decide to shed their outer skins and spread their acid filled tentacles across the planet. I brought Sharpies just for this occasion."

Allen blinked at Lavi, and didn't know whether to believe his obviously disturbed friend, or run back to their cabin and hide behind Lenalee. (Who, he then imagined, ripped off her skin to reveal a black octopus/giraffe type monster with slick, acidy tentacles to strangle him with.)

"C' mon!" Lavi called from far ahead of Allen. "Let's go!"

The cursed teen quickly shuffled to the bathroom, where he opened the door to see Lavi sitting in the floor, curled over himself.

"Lavi! What's wrong?!" Allen questioned worriedly.

Lavi sniffled and then answered him quietly. "The w-walls.....they're b-black. The stalls....t-they're black.....Everything....BLACK!!"

"What's wrong with everything being black?"

A Sharpie flew and hit Allen in the head and then fell to the floor with a "_click_". He examined it and then realized:

Black on black.

Duh.

Dumbshit.

The British boy walked over to Lavi and patted him on the shoulder. "I'm sorry your dreams have been shattered."

The red head cast a gloomy green eye at Allen. "Now how's every guy gonna know about the slimy tentacles of acidy woman-ism?"

"I don't know, Lavi. I don't know," Allen replied while shaking a fist towards the ceiling of the train's bathroom. "TGWIHSM.....tgwihsm...."

After their little bathroom stunt, Allen and Lavi returned to the cabin to find Lenalee asleep across one bench and Kanda steaming in the corner of the other.

Lavi and Allen cast nervous glances at one another before looking back at Kanda. Neither of them wanted to sit next to Kanda with him looking so angry, plus, one of them would be very, _**very**_ close to him.

"You sit by him, you're cuter, maybe he won't eat you," Lavi whispered into Allen's ear, putting his hand ever so covertly in front of his mouth to shield whatever trickery he might be spreading to the younger boy.

"He wouldn't _eat_me, but I bet he'd have no problem slicing my one of my legs off without question...." Allen whispered back into Lavi's ear.

Kanda scowled angrily and whipped his head towards the two idiots standing at the door of the cabin. "YOU KNOW I CAN HEAR YOU BOTH!" he almost screamed.

Lavi and Allen almost peed themselves at the sudden rush of noise.

"God, I swear I'm going to kill and eat you both!" Kanda yelled angrily as he stood up.

The two in front of the door scrambled to get out, wanting nothing to do with the angry samurai. They both fumbled over each other, failing to open the door. Kanda drew Mugen out ever so slowly while inching towards them, fire burning in his eyes.

"Allen!!!" Lavi cried as he pressed himself as close to the door as humanly possible.

"What?!" Allen cried back, squeezing up against the door beside the red head.

"I've always loved you!!!"

Everything in the cabin stopped.

"W-what??" Allen asked, with a horrified and slightly sick look crossing his face.

"I don't know, I couldn't think of anything else to yell!! I'm scared!" Lavi cried again, grabbing hold of Allen's arm.

Time resumed in the cabin.

Kanda was inching (you'd think he'd have reached them by now, but Kanda's inching is like 0.001 mph apparently) towards the two boys in the floor, who by then had began crying hysterically against each other.

When all seemed bleak for the two teenagers in the floor, a feminine hand reached out from a bench and yanked Kanda back down in his seat. Before Kanda could react, the train whistle sounded and then the train came to a stop.

"We're here. Get out," Lenalee groggily voiced from the bench seat.

With a mega death frown of evil doom and destruction death, Kanda took his carry-on and exited the cabin swiftly, followed closely by Lenalee.

Allen and Kanda looked at each other hopelessly and said in unison, "We're going to die."


	2. War Cry

**A/N: Well....errr.....Yeah.**

**Sorry for the last chapter not having a disclaimer or A/N.**

**And sorry for it being so scattered and fast and whatnot.**

**I'll work on sorting that out.**

**Anyways...**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything from D. Gray Man, except a slightly odd obsession with all of the male characters eventually having great gay smex with one another.**

**Oh, and the line I used from Scrubs, I don't own that either, if anyone catches it. XD**

**Hope you enjoy!!!**

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Lavi and Allen almost missed getting off the train, which only added to the frustration of the Japanese teenager who had been almost-not-so-much patiently for them both to come tumbling out of the door. When the last whistle sounded for everyone to get off, and the two idiots where nowhere to be seen, Kanda's anger got the best of him.

"MOYASHI, USAGI, IF YOU DON'T GET OFF THAT TRAIN RIGHT NOW, SO HELP YOU GOD, YOU WILL DIE!" Kanda yelled at the top of lungs, dropping his luggage to the ground with a loud thud.

With fire practically exploding from his head, Kanda was fast becoming about to spew hot molten crazy all over anyone and everyone that crossed him. A few crashing and banging noises were heard from inside the train, followed by a loud yelp when the train began to slowly move forward and the door to the station closed. If Kanda had the power at that very moment, he believed that the ground would have split open and hellfire would have engulfed the train and Satan himself would have come and pulled out the bean sprout and the rabbit to slowly roast them on his pitchfork over the white hot flames of hatred and oppression. Kanda liked that idea. A big spike up each of their asses, or in Lavi's case...perhaps...

"WOOORAAAAAH!" The war cry sucker punched Kanda out of his thoughts.

A split second later, a foot came crashing through one of the windows to the right of where Kanda was standing, and a small silver haired boy holding a few bags followed closely behind it. Kanda's eyes narrowed as the smaller boy shrieked when the red head came flying out of the window towards him. Lavi landed squarely on top of Allen, with the smaller boy looking up at him with those big gray pools of angst and fluffy love. Both of the boys panicked while Kanda simply stood his ground and watched, his mind flashing through images of him and....

"Would you guys stop laying all over each other and come _**on**_?" Lenalee asked angrily. She wanted to hurry up and get to wherever they were staying that way she could repaint her nails.

Kanda, with his face flashing beet red again, turned on his heel and briskly walked in the opposite direction of the odd scene.

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**A/N: Oh so short chaper, I know...  
But I'm hoping to keep updating quickly and so on and so forth.**

**And I'm working on getting Lenalee out of the picture...**

**Maybe she'll get eaten by a bear, or blown to pieces by a super mutant.**

**Anyways, read and review, please?**

**:B**


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